Thursday, February 10, 2005

What I've Learned from My Dating Internship Study at IU: A Pschological Comparison of East Coast Males vs. Mid-West Males

After three years of high school dating east coast males, I entered college in the beloved Mid-west believing in my heart that I truly needed to see what was on “the other side of the fence”. Unknowingly, I had always perceived Midwestern males to be made up of simpler, kinder, down-home spirits, who would treat their women with a non-“Soprano style” harshness that east coast girls have become accustomed to. Yes, east coast males love a good fight and an “in your face” argument. They build up this muscle-bound defense system (MDS, for short) however, when they want you, they make it clear, they want you! And, when it’s over, you’ll not only receive your typical top ten male excuses but you’ll also receive as a parting gift this lovely east coast proverbial addition, “But I’ll always love you” as a finale’. On the other hand, Mid-west boys are vague. They leave you hanging…tell you nothing…AWOL is the name of their game. They are non-confrontational, and have little or no verbal skills, which is probably why SAT’s are not taken into consideration when applying to IU. Midwest males from Detroit, through Chicago, and down to our beloved Bloomington, have that natural down-home glow, but are more in a rush to get you into the “haystack” than your east coast boys who can “at least count” to 7 or 8 dates before pushing the…well, let’s just say we don’t have “haystacks” in New Jersey. A mid-west boy finds out you’re from the east coast and it’s a sure thing they’ll be screaming “run for your lives!” I think they truly believe brunettes are from outer space and want to capture the Midwest male and transport them via UFO (aka black BMW) to their unknown atmospheres known by some as…New York. (Scary thought…just frightening!) Midwest males believe east coast girls are shrewd, crude, can probably beat them in arm wrestling (they’re probably right) and are all Jewish…or maybe Italian with papas in the Mafia.


I’ve learned so much from living amongst Midwestern males these past three years. Blondes, I’ve finally figured out the way you’ve survived your men all these years. I’ve learned “when in Bloomington, do as the Bloomington-ites do”. I’ve learned to hit the eject button so fast that I can survive the Midwestern male without a scratch. Honey, you won’t need to say a word. Trust me, when high noon comes, I can pull the trigger faster, shoot ‘em dead before they even had a chance to “pull back” and run.

For me, after graduation, I’m going back…..back to that far distant planet where men are real men…Men like Rocky Balboa, Tony Soprano, Frank Sinatra, Bruce Willis and Billy Joel. I’m leaving the wimpy David Lettermans, the annoying Tom Arnolds, and the light-weight, brooding, insecure actor-types like James Dean without regret. I tried to take on your Midwest girly ways by idly sitting back and remaining…sweet. Without dying my hair blonde, I thought I would perhaps stand out in a crowd, however, being a brunette in the mid-west makes you virtually…invisible to the Midwest male. So how did I go about attracting a few Midwest males to complete this comparison? Trust me, it’s never hard to find a male willing to bite in the Midwest, in fact, that’s all they can do is bite…no talk…just bite…no explanation…just bite. Beam me up Scotty!


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