Friday, January 18, 2008

Watch Your Expiration Date

Whether it’s considered a fun night with a new acquaintance and the evening ends with an unexpected but highly anticipated farewell kiss or includes a couple of dinner dates that later evaporate into thin air, do not expect a girl to respond to your text message or phone call after a two to six months mysterious lapse in communication. You see, every respectable female comes with an expiration date (kind of like a quart of milk or metered parking space). Just this past week, I received both a text and a drunk dial call from two different guys that had been (according to my personal parking meter) fined and towed a long time ago. Both calls will go unreturned. I don’t care what major company you run or how cute that picture in your wallet is of you holding your newborn niece. She’s already graduating from nursery school by now!

Ok, here are the rules, men: If you meet a woman and insist on getting her phone number, the meter begins running from that time on. That’s right, from the minute her 10-digit phone number is stored in your cell; you will have up to two weeks maximum time to call her. The lack of a phone call (or heaven forbid, that much hated non-personal, non-committing text message) at anytime after the initial two-week period is considered…well, let’s just say, you’ve gone sour, my friend; sour like the milk in that bachelor pad refrigerator of yours. So call me old fashioned but please, man, refrain from texting me random messages out of nowhere, like “Hey, what’s up?” It ranks right up there with the communication skills of a male gorilla that will pound on his chest looking for female companionship and attention. (At least gorillas are well aware of watching out for a female’s expiration date).

Tell me, are men just:
Preoccupied by work?

Or are they just building some bizarre little black book of female names in their cell phones in order to make them look like they are some form of babe magnet? Is that true? I really want to know.

My brother has repeatedly griped at me remarking, “No wonder you don’t have a boyfriend!” Well guess what…The older and wiser I get, the more self-respect I gain for myself; hence the more respect I demand from others. Therefore, it’s true, the longer I’m alone, the harder it will be for me to allow a man to be lucky enough to have me. So there! Yes, the standards ARE high with a woman like me and that is how it will stay.

For New Jersey guys, I’ll make this simple. Play by the rules, just like in football. The clock is running, and if you’re not swift on your feet, you just might lose the precious ball to someone else. This is an analogy, guys; I didn’t just change the subject to talk about the NY Giants. Ok?

As a closing to this bit of informal yet much needed advice, always remember check your expiration dates at time of purchase. If you don’t, you might as well plan on that cereal of yours tasting a bit dry for a very long time.


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