Saturday, January 28, 2006

Everything you always wanted to know about a man, you learn from AIM

My mother is a spy! She’s also an excellent judge of character. More power to her since she’s found a perfect man (my Dad) even before the Internet was available. Now, she’s convinced me that the best way to tell if a guy is worthwhile is by studying his AIM messages. It’s foolproof. My mother’s AIM reading (more reliable than reading horoscopes and studying handwriting analysis) determines whether a guy is just one more jerk or whether he’s a keeper. I’m so tired of men that I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll give her a guy’s screen name and say, “check him out mom!” Even my girlfriends have used my mom for the service.

Here is her wise advice on “Who’s a jerk and not worth your while” and “who just might be a good guy”…

1. The Sexual Deviant - The one who IM’s you and asks questions about your sexual interests before he even knows your birthday or what your parent’s do for a living. Block him!
2. Sexual Deviant #2 – The one whose away messages mention anything to do with their own genital body parts or “long standing” abilities. This guy is a braggart who probably uses a magnified mirror!
3. The Bore – The ones who only have “I am away from my computer right now” as away messages. They are dull and unexciting people, verbally non-responsive so you’ll never hear nice things like “I love you” or “you’re beautiful”. Steer clear. You’ll never know what he’s thinking or where’s he’s going. Totally boring.
4. The Intellectual Quote Man – the Intellectual quote man always has a quote and some obscure intellectual comment from some genius in history or right wing radio host. This is not necessarily a bad thing. These are men who are actually stimulated by something other than your breasts 24 hours a day! If the intellectual type appeals to you, this guy might be a keeper. If you are already bored reading #4, forget him. He’s not your type.
5. The Comedy Quote Man – the comedy quote guy whose away messages are from Family Guy, The Simpsons and movies like Napolean Dynomite are fun-type guys, but they aren’t really the relationship-type males. They are upbeat, usually in a good mood, far from manic-depressed and their maturity level is most likely equal to your kid brother’s. You’ll hardly have dates to a museum or the theatre so get ready for spending Friday nights watching whole season episodes of Family Guy on the couch…with his buddies.
6. Mr. Song Lyrics – Ah, the passionate romantic! If you like the romantic, poetic male, or the lyrical junkie type, most likely you’ve found a dreamer, a slacker, oh no….an actor!…One that you’ll be supporting for the rest of your life. Make sure you tell him how great he is 50 times a day or he’ll be off with someone else.
7. The Reporter – the reporter tells you everything, where he’s going, what he’s thinking, how good or how bad his day was. Even his “be back in a minute” means he’s most likely on the toilet. My mom highly recommends these guys. They are most likely good to their mothers since they want to report everything to you. They are honest, open, and content with their lives. They’re keepers!
8. The Imaginative – Their messages are creative and make the reader guess what they are doing. Not in a sneaky way, but in a positive way. Now these are the guys that will surprise you with a dozen roses…and not just on Valentine’s Day. For instance, “We’re gonna be the toast of Vegas”. Hmm.. Upbeat, exciting…interesting…a keeper! Too bad he’s a gay friend.
9. Mr. Sign on-Sign off – He’s most likely stalking somebody and since you’re online, it’s not you.
10. The Worker – The worker usually states that he is “at work”. Ambitious and has money….enough said…KEEPER.
11. The Sportsman – The guy who has his favorite teams on his profile, reports the scores for the game on his away messages and regularly goes to the gym. These guys are a little rough around the edges, lack female sensitivity, but will most likely respond to you if you dress up in a seductive nighty and stand in front of the TV (that is after Sports Center is over). Jocks are jocks and 80% of men fall under this category.
12. The One Word Wonders – “Out”, “Gone”, “Class”, “Food”, “Bed” “Sleep”, …grunt…Cavemen…enough said.
13. The Study-er – The one who is always “studying”…or “at the library”. A keeper…hardworking, seeks high ambition! Great provider. Mommy likey!
14. Boozers – the ones who brag about going to the bars, being drunk, and then come back to their computers and type “Im durnk an on the frolor”. Time to recycle!

So ladies, before you respond to that random IM from a guy you really don’t know, give yourself (or my mom) a week to check him out. And guys, be aware of your away messages. Get some personality, don’t be a pig, and maybe you’ll meet a nice girl.


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