Tuesday, February 28, 2006

To Jersey Girl, With Love...NOT!!!

Apparently, I park like an asshole…that is, according to the note I found on my car windshield this morning. Written in most definitely the female hand, she is apparently upset with the way in which I parked my car inside our apartment garage parking lot. Excuse me, if my tiny Toyota Corolla is not parked perfectly straight. It was still within my half side of the garage spot. She signed the note “Neighbor who is Pissed” Most definitely one of those classy mid-western gals from either...oh let’s say...the Indiana-Ohio vicinities.

Let’s see, there are only two possible female neighbors of mine who could have been this tasteless. Bachelorette #1 wears a ski cap, and if the size of her ass is any indication of how big her car is, then no wonder she couldn’t fit in the spot next to me. Or Bachelorette #2 the she-male who leaves her cigarette butts all over the garage floor. Remember the girl from Planes Trains and Automobiles that was strong enough to lift John Candy’s trunk by herself. Remember her snorting husband said, “She's short and skinny, but she's strong. Her first baby come out sideways. She didn't scream or nothing.” Picture that woman and that’s what Bachelorette #2 looks like.

At first upon seeing the note, I was really upset. It’s just one more reason I truly believe that people out here are just…plain…nasty! I came home late last night from doing laundry, and as always was careful not to pull in and park too close to the concrete walls next to me since last year I scratched my car on a piece of wood that was sticking out. I was not parked horribly crooked. I can understand getting upset with people who arrogantly take up both spots but there was no reason for this kind of hostility. Let’s hope nothing really devastating ever happens in this woman’s life. I’d be afraid to see what she would do. I’m convinced it was seeing my New Jersey license plate that drove her to rip out a piece of paper from her notebook and scribble the note. I’ve decided my only recourse…I’m buying a large white piece of construction paper and making a sign and hanging it between one of the double spots in the garage. Large black printed letters will read “ASSHOLE PARKING ONLY”. I will proudly be the owner of both spots, and if someone else doesn’t mind being called an asshole, they can by all means feel free to park next to me.


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