Monday, April 07, 2008

The War at Apt. 2D

I have a problem…Oreo might possibly be trying to tell me something about myself and my relationship issues.

Oreo goes to my roommate for three things….She is (1) his food source…(2) his resource for affection and verbal admiration (received daily by that high squealing “hello my baby!” pick-up and snuggling-the-life-out-of-him routine of hers, and then finally, she is (3) his nightly sleeping partner. On the other side of the apartment, I fulfill his hard play needs. I’m his “all play” and mental torture buddy. You see, Oreo and I are at war. His ultimate goal in life is to not only get into my room, but also for me to see him sprawled out on top of my $275 bedspread! He is definitely making a game of being where he knows he’s forbidden. So, this is war, eh? Meanwhile he just stares at me while lounging on my bed. Slowly and quietly I enter my invaded sanctuary and calmly TURN ON MY VACUUM CLEANER AT HIGH NOISE LEVEL!!!! It’s as if bombs are exploding all around him. He flies out of my room like he has come within a split second of losing another life, but in the end…squeaks by uninjured. Little bastard! “I’ll get you next time, my pretty!” I think to myself. The reality…he likes it, actually he loves it! Typical male…loves the challenge, but I prevail.

Suddenly, I realize. Maybe that smart cat is trying to tell me something. Maybe Oreo is saying…. “How do you ever expect to get a man into your bedroom when you lock your door and don’t let a soul even sit on the damn bed!” Maybe I’m not only too particular about my room, but maybe I am too particular about men. Let’s face it; there are no perfect guys, just like there are no perfect animals. Wow, now there’s an analogy!

Maybe Oreo looks at my roommate and me and says, “No wonder you’re both single. My owner loves me too much, since sleeping with the cat will never bring a man home, and the other one won’t let anyone near her room!” Meanwhile Oreo’s complete needs are being met (kind of like most of the men in this area).

Oreo loves to play in the morning (If you know me, you know I’m not a morning person). I’ll be in the bathroom trying to do my makeup when suddenly he’s outside the door, turning the latch and wanting to come in. Sometimes I reciprocate by allowing him entrance. He knocks over my trash can in order to get my attention so that we start the monotonous “fetch the Q-tip” game. Yes, I throw the Q-tip down the hall, Oreo fetches it and runs back with it in his mouth (yes, this is a cat, I’m talking about). Sometimes he doesn’t want me to leave the room and he’ll wrap his paws around my leg. I wind up dragging him into the hall. Again, it fulfills his playtime needs though I wind up having a badly scratched leg and lame excuse for being late for work.

My fear is this … Like Oreo, males today are strictly only looking for play. NY Dating columnist, Maura Kelly calls it something like this: Men today suffer from “Relationship Bulimia”. Although they never appear sick, and look as healthy as oxen, men will characteristically binge on an unsuspecting female and then after a month or so, they dump them like the regurgitation of chopped liver. Relationship Phobias with a monthly bout of Chronic Relationship Bulimia – No thanks! Now you know why I lock my door, you overweight ball of fur! VACUUM…ON!…VROOOOOOM!!!


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