Sunday, May 22, 2005

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

Doctors can cure everything, right? They can mend collapsed lungs, torn muscles, clogged arteries, torn rotator cuffs, fractured skulls, dislocated arms, broken hips, broken legs, etc. but one thing they cannot fix is a broken heart.

Broken hearts are painful. A broken heart affects the mind, the entire physical body, the capacity to eat, sleep and breathe. Robert Browning once said, “Take away love and our earth is a tomb.”

In the grand total of 20 years, I’ve had my heart broken twice. The first was with my first love when I was 15. It was my first experience with a broken heart and the only thing that finally got me through was realizing I was young and I can do much better. However, it still didn’t make the task of getting over it easy. It took a long time to heal from that hurt since it was the first time I have ever felt and experienced love with another person so closely and deeply.

My second broken heart was recent (too recent to talk about with any detail). Sometimes the best cure is getting back out there and finding love again. Other times, it’s just retreating all together. That’s where I am right now. The hurt, the feelings of deception, of mistrust, of feeling used, and inadequate, just makes you want to hide. I am retreating into the abyss of singleness! I’m joining St. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club, I’m staying at the Heartbreak Hotel, and I’m singing “what do you get when you fall in love, you only get lies and pain and sorrow”. But, I Will Survive – Hey hey!

Trusting my heart to someone again soon would be a near impossible feat for me. It will most likely always be a problem. How can a nice girl with the greatest Dad ever and two perfect grandfathers for male role models find herself so cynical about men? Guess I can’t find one that comes anywhere close to them. Blog writing helps. It helps me get off my chest what I’m feeling. I’m sorry if this bores you, but as I said before it is like free therapy. Keeping my feelings in has been my style for a long time and it’s not very therapeutic. My cynicism is years in the making, not just from these two episodes but has been from dozens of dating diasters. Some of my feelings are from listening to what my friends go through. And it’s not that I haven’t hurt a guy, I have a few times. I’ve stopped dating guys sometimes for fear of getting hurt. It’s like pulling the reins in on a horse. And then the horse is wondering “What happened?”

So, now the pain (like a bad bad cold) will take its course…first heartache, then anger, then the ugly bitter stage (with the I can’t look at men stage in the middle), then the “eh, I’m over it”, then the “no, I’m not and it still hurts” stage, then the famous, he’s an a**hole stage, then the “I don’t care” stage, along with the “I’m not attracted to him anymore anyway” stage, then finally, and last but not least, after about two years, the “Who? Oh him” stage.


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